No, I'm Not Dead,... Yet.

What in the world? Honestly how can someone be so insensitive as to just do something with such a cold manner, without even being a bit apologetic or sympathetic. I mean, there's always another way to tell me something.

Okay, what the heck is this guy ranting about? This was what happened...

I've been feeling like shit the whole week at work, at home, in my thoughts... It's just not a good week. It's nothing huge or anything, it's just that things aren't just going easy. Work has been bothering me mostly. I've gotten less shift hours than when I first started working and it's really a bummer when you actually want to work but don't get the opportunity and the shifts, what's worse is that I could really use the money. So it's all good when I found out that I'll be working only for 25 hours for the week, I thought it a good thing cause the shifts were all middle shifts and at a really perfect timing. But work hasn't been as fun or exciting, instead I feel like I have just been the target of everyone working there to be isolated by. I feel distant towards my colleagues and feel as though as I have just killed someone and they are criticising me in their thoughts. i know that's not the case but I just don't feel included in their conversations and it's as if I were in a different dimension as them. So, to add to the misery and negative thoughts I have, my supervisor text me on Thursday morning, just a couple of hours before my shift was to start, informing me that I don't have to work on that day and the next. I was stunned for a second, going through my head was, "Can they do that?". Maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself, but I don't like the way they inform things. I bet they don't do this to the other older partners. so is it just the fact that I'm new? Or that they really don't give a rats ass about me? Shit, so I'm a failure? I don't thing I've done anything wrong to receive this kind of civility. I just pray and hope for things to get better, I don't know how long I can last being caught in the middle of unfair bias-ness.

Tired...

I'm getting real lazy these days. I don't if it's the weather or that I'm not sleeping well. But either way, I get up feeling sleepy and the whole day I'll naturally be zoning out. It could be the night shifts at work, who knows. I guess my sleeping time and habit has been altered.

Last night at work, I was literally shaking. My hands couldn't stay still and I feel not there mentally. It's as if I can't focus, everything was done automatically and I had to force myself to snap out of it. Shot down a double tall toffee nut latte and prayed for the better. What better cure than a dose of coffee and sugar to get you pumped, eh?

I'm still exhausted from last nights shift. I'm still new with the cleaning tasks for the closing shift at work. I can't seem to get things done quickly. To add to my slowness, I was working with another new partner, she came in after I did, so I guess I should know more stuff compared to her. Working the closing shift with two new partners, my manager must have stressed a little, thankfully all went well, I hope, and we managed to finish our duties not too late, but I had to help her out a lot. As if I don't have enough on my plate already, I literally was doing two tasks at a time. Hectic, but that's the job for the closing shift. Learning to multitask is always a challenge, but it is a challenge I must face and overcome. I feel suffocated sometimes, I can't seem to find myself at peace, whether at work, at home or even when with my friends. I'm still protective over myself...



Keep looking :)

Equations Of Life

How does one and one become two? If only all things were so simple as to just being the way it is. Complications arise out of actions that people make and sometimes I feel caught in the lies of my own thoughts. If only life were more obvious and less twisted.

I keep thinking about my life more often nowadays, and reminiscing the past. Nah, I'm not being nostalgic or any sort. Just more of assessing my time spent over the past 10 months. I can't seem to find a sense of real happiness or satisfaction in my life over the past year. I know that I have gained a lot of knowledge and abilities, and I have definitely known myself a whole lot better. But thinking through, is it enough? I don't want to keep feeling like there's this 'thing' in me that is trapped. I don't want to keep hiding, but fear is conquering me. I'm really beyond stressing myself with my 'deep' thoughts sometimes.

And not that it's related but work has been getting on my nerves sometimes. It's tough to hold a job, no matter how 'fun' and 'easy' it is. It sucks when you have to do routine stuff and feel bored to death in the store. I ain't complaining but it's just not as easy as it seems. I try my best to do well, I really do, but it's sometimes not enough. I find it hard sometimes to get use to things and fitting in to the environment isn't a breeze. I'm still learning, and have a long way more to go to becoming a good barista. :)

Smile more, and stay happy... Those are my encouragements to myself. Doesn't hurt to be praised every now and then. The feeling of appreciation goes a long way, doesn't make you feel used. I thank God that on Tuesday, during the launch of the Christmas promo in Starbucks, all went well. I did my manager proud by being knowledgeable to the products in front of the district manager :) You know the feeling when you are able to make someone happy and proud. I love that feeling, it's as if "Finally I did something! Something right..." it's just an awesome moment for me, and I'm proud of myself... I wanna be that guy that people see and know that he can do great things, that can be counted on and is useful, I want to be appreciated for the things I've done or for the effort I've put in to something :) What am I saying, I'm sure that's what everyone hopes to achieve... Right?

Keep looking :)

Some Things Just Aren't Right...

Going on and on and on about what my life can offer is really tense. I can't seem to find what is the right thing to do most of the time. Is it right if you aren't happy with what you are suppose to do? I want to be happy, who doesn't, but at what cost really? Now, I think I'm playing it safe most of the time, but somehow it's not really satisfying to just not let go and be truly real. A taste of real life is what I need.

Good part of things are, that I hardly have the laptop at home anymore. So I haven't been bumming in front of the screen. Although I have not accomplish my goal of cleaning my room and redecorating/refurnishing it. I should get to that. This week was a good rest period for me, working only three days and having the few days off... That's really great, cause I got to sleep in and laze around most of the time :)

On another note, I got paid yesterday!! Suddenly the numbers in my account doesn't seem so depressing :) I'm having the urge to spend T.T But self control... I shall only get the necessities :) Cramming it down to a pair of shoes (converse) , a pair of pants/jeans and a pair of shorts. If you're thinking that I have a lot of $$, think again... I don't and that's my list till the end of the year... Ok maybe I'll add in a couple of t-shirts :)

Well hopefully things will get better and I will be a whole lot more active doing something, instead of just bumming and lazing around...

Keep looking :)

Bored Outta My Socks...

OMG!!! How can life be so meaningless? T_T I think I'm going crazy with the emptiness of my life. So uninspiring, so unproductive... I'm not doing anything significant and most of the day I just sit around with crazy bored thoughts in my head. Why lar? Hmm... Well, I really need some activity in my days. I mean, it's not going to be forever that time is on my side. Right now, work is cool, I'm not being held up and it isn't taking up my time. But it's not fun when you get all this free time and just end up bumming around like some loser that has no life. T_T Help! I need some excitement, I need to do something! Soon!

Goal #1 : Get ass out of chair, away from the comp and out of the house.

Goal #2 : Get a life...

p/s: I'm loving free Starbucks Coffee everyday :)


Keep looking :)

Here We Go Again...

Ah, another weekend is here... I've been bumming around the house for the last 2 days, what a way to spend my first few days of the new month huh? Well, I can't say that I've fully hated the lazing around, but sitting at home the whole day is pretty tiring and it gets old. But of course I didn't just sit around not doing a single thing... I've been watching back-to-back episodes of the super awesome Coffee Prince :)



Yea, it's Korean drama, but hey, it's really entertaining. :) Ok, so by now you should know that I watch chick flicks a lot huh? But, who cares ;)

Life's been pretty good, but there are certain worries in my mind that I sometimes can't shake off. I mean, college recently has been on my mind, that and my future. And many other things, that just makes me really anxious and confused. Rolling around bed at night and having my thoughts running so freely is pretty tiring. And to make things worst, it's yet again another Saturday... That means another day spent in church with a group of overly energetic, stubborn & restless 13 year old's... I don't get it, why is it so hard for me to just call a quits? Why must the weighing of pros and cons be so tedious and detailed? Can't I just not do something because I've lost interest and heart? I'm suffering, don't you know? But then again, what matters...

Ahh, two days and I miss work already. Haha, not that work is super awesomely fun, just that I feel at ease there and I occupy my thought with something other than my life and future. It's hard feeling alone at times, I mean, everyone does go through different things in their life, but I just feel like the situations I get myself into are really a bother. Aish, life does get pretty annoying sometimes eh? :)

Keep looking :)

Seen & Heard...

18.09.09

Just having fun with friends can get really awesome, especially with these bunch of people! Our usual Friday-get-together helps us bond. Well, friends can make you happy or relieve you from stress and boredom, but I think being able to communicate and share almost anything that's in your life and mind is above special. These guys are just the best when it comes to friendship. Not everyone can be reliable and a great group to talk to.










19.09.09

XYZ Leaders' Retreat! @ Kuala Rompin...

Beach side, with a relaxing scenery and refreshing breeze... An escape haven...





26.09.09

I've been working @ Starbucks! It's a part-time job and it's great working there. Well, the hours are real flexible and I learned a whole lot about coffee. Making them to tasting them, knowing the difference in aroma and taste between the different blends. It's definitely an experience that's worth it.



I am really enjoying the work atmosphere and my fellow partners (my colleagues). An interesting bunch of people, friendly, kind, helpful and very genuine. Of course I do get picked on sometimes, I guess it's because I'm the youngest and the new guy but it's all in the fun of it. It's never tiring being at work, just that for me, I get stressed out learning how to work the register, taking orders and making the beverages. But work ain't a breeze and learning is never a walk through the park. I'm just glad i have something to do everyday :)


Keep looking :)