Could It Be But A Mistake?

I try very hard to keep up with life, the whole living my life to its fullest thing, but lately I feel like everything that I do or seem to try a accomplish just does not have that feeling of fulfillment. Could it be that I didn't give my 100% or has my standards just increased? Either way the sense and feeling of failure to accomplish and not being able to achieve something just kills me inside. I feel downgraded and as if I no longer have a purpose. Why does everything I do or every effort I put into accomplishing something just goes up in smokes? The worst part of it all is thinking you have done your fair share but results just aren't as satisfying as you wanted it. I know that everything happens for a reason but somethings are just so unknown and keeps you guessing if what is happening is nothing but a joke played by God himself. I start to wonder if there is anything left in this world that is at all sensible. So, as I wrap up this post, I do not wish to live a life that is nothing but failure and meaningless activities, instead I hope to find something in this big old world that needs me. Unlikely as it may be but that is life, it is not it until you've live through it. What do you think? Well, my trials ended yesterday and ya, it went not great. But the upside is, having been through that, there is only one more thing that I can do, study harder for SPM.

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Finding Yourself

I have never gotten the kind of friends that many have, the kind you can share secrets with or the ones whom you actually trust and take your mask off. Revealing myself to people just isn't as easy as many of you may think. Maybe it's just me but I never seem to find a friend who I know I can lean on. I do have all this confusion and frustration that I just can't share to people I know, not even close friends. One problem I face is the fear of ridicule. I just don't want people I mix around with to see my weakness and vulnerability. Another problem is that there isn't anyone I am close to enough or know long enough to actually understand or trust. I somehow just shun people I know away. It kills me that I have so much frustration that I can't handle and the worst thing is no one can actually help me. Obviously I don't want to reveal it but maybe I will once I find the right person. At the mean time, blogging about it in an anonymous way is the best way to let it out. It's tough to fit in a group of people or find a true friend that is willing to care. I just don't feel that I have ever had this privilege of having someone who cares about me as some people have. I often feel out casted and like I have to try hard to fit in. Nobody is truly alone, but I find that really hard to believe. On the outside, one may seem so sociable and friendly but that doesn't mean that he or she has someone who will be there for them. Maybe it's just my conception or high expectation to what a real friend is but i wouldn't know now would I? Let me try something new. Please if you are reading this, drop in your comments or point of view. It would be really nice to hear from my readers. Besides, I do need help in various areas from now on, plus you get to know what others might think too. I know this is very cheesy, but i want to thank you for spending time to get to know me better through my posts.

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Daring To Move

It is my exam week now. Trials to be exact. I have never in my life enjoyed the exhilarating thrill of the stress caused by the exams. It's not much that I feel dumb or something, it's just that procrastinating spirit, I-don't-give-a-damn attitude and a bit of laziness in me that just makes studying such a burden. I honestly don't think I'm stupid or retarded, alright maybe a little, but my real weakness will be striving and working hard. So as I'm posting this, I am indeed wasting my study time. Now, lately things has gotten a whole lot confusing in my life. Burdens after burdens are being stressed upon me, responsibilities that are given that I honestly don't even bother with are just thrown at me. Do I look like I want to be burdened? Well maybe it's the fact that I look like the kind of person you can take advantage of, but to be frank I am. I have the 'humbling' character apparently, a whole load of bs if you ask me. Honestly I don't like doing things I am forced to do, I don't know why but if someone expects me to do something, I will definitely complain. I have recently realized that life is indeed too short to live in agony and regrets. I guess I'm having one of those life changing moments. Like I've mentioned many times, I do not hate my life. It's just that I want something more than just the one I have now. I want to live a life I am proud of, a life that is free and happy. No more suffering to do things i don't want to or be expected to do something, no more mundane scheduled life and definitely no more responsibilities. I am of course not talking about disowning your life or studies, but more towards the extras that are supposedly 'benefiting to your future' or 'character building'. Like i said, life is too short.

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