Just Having Fun

Tired and delusional... That was how how I felt waking up this morning. I literally felt as though I just woke up in the middle of the night. Even though I had at least 7hours of sleep, I still didn't want to get out of bed. Unfortunately for me, sleeping in is not an option for now. Work work work... Sigh, apparently that's my daily routine for now.

Yesterday was the awesome-est day I have had for a really long time. After work I went to the gym with Choonyee, Eilyn and Waisan. So it was that we just did crazy insane stuff that made us laugh and laugh till we got cramps. Maybe it was the air, but the four of us had a blast working out, taking pictures and fooling around. Later we were joined by Shujian, we were heading to Steph's house after gym. steph just got back from YWAM, Australia...

Anyway, we all had fun catching up and doing silly stuff, in the gym, in the car, on the way to steph's house and probably everywhere in between. It was a really fun night.

All the laughter from last night must have exhausted me today. Hopefully I will make it through the day. On another note, Transformers is a no go for me... Sadly my friends changed the timing, and I can't make it in afternoons... Crap job. But I shall not complain much as I'll be heading to Japan!, Sunday night! Really am looking forward to this trip/tour... Hopefully it will be fun.


Keep looking :)

Gives You Hell

"I wake up every evening,

with a big smile on my face,...

truth be told I miss you,

truth be told I'm lying..."

I keep telling myself everything is ok, everything will be alright. Who am I kidding, I am lost in a world of the unknown and have no clue what to do or what my next move in life is. It's one thing to hide your feelings, but to lie to your own self is beyond messed up. The one thing you owe to your self is your honesty. I know that what ever happens, I will always have myself. I know it sounds weird but it does help. Telling yourself that it will work out and seeing things as it really is, that is what I have been doing, and truth be told, it does make life so much easier. I mean, lying to people is hard enough, but to have to lie to yourself too? That is just too much, life is to short to live in misery.

Last night, watching Fighting with my close friends was awesome. The show was alright, but getting to catch up with people I have not seen/met up for almost 3 months was really what I needed. I guess I can say that we have all moved on, and grew up. But some things will just stay the same. I need people like this in my life, someone I can count on and just have a good time to talk with. Unfortunately not all things always have a happy ending, the movie lasted from 9.25pm to 11.15pm. I only reached home about midnight. God, was I beat when I reached home. I really was exhausted to the last drop of energy, I crashed and when I awoke, it was 7am. I feel really agitated now in work, and I hate feeling tired when in an environment that is just so stressing in itself. Ok. so maybe the office is not as terrible, but when you're new and holding a temp. job, you need to just show that you're at your best, and I guess up your game. But that's not the case for today... I'm sleepy, sad, annoyed and just need rest.

I got a text message from Venuga this morning, a friend of mine from sec school, asking if I want to go for a movie with my prev prefect board. That will be amazing, as some of them are leaving to further their studies overseas, but the downside is, it will be a midnight movie, or at least a late night movie... God kill me now!! Should I go? Should I not go? !!! Did I forget to mention it's Transformers: the Revenge of the Fallen? :D We'll see...

Keep looking :)

Under My Skin

There's this feeling in me that is not recognizable. I feel annoyed and agitated. I can't seem to calm down and I get frustrated over everything. I feel inferior and vulnerable, I keep thinking the worst of things and that people secretly hate me. I can't seem to be at peace or feel happy. I think it's hard being invisible and unnoticed. I can't put on a mask to hide my true feelings, it just doesn't work anymore... I am afraid of being alone or ridiculed and can't seem to run away. I want out of this life. I want to get away, escape from this tension and pressure. I want to be set free, to feel a life that's worth living for, I don't want the thoughts of hurting myself or other people running through my head over and over again every night and I hate to ever again cry myself to sleep. I don't want to have to look back at my life and find that there was nothing accomplished, to look back and see a life I don't recognize. I don't want to have regrets or have this guilt feeling anymore. I want to feel clean and pure. I want to come out free and not having to withhold anything back. I do lie all the time, on my feelings, on what I'm going through and about the things I do, it's only cause I put my guards up very high. Is it wrong to not reveal myself? I don't, can't have anyone knowing the things that are happening or running through in my head. It's tiring to have this feelings and burden set on me as it is, I don't want to have people talking stuff about me or judging me. I know can't save myself, I can't get out of this supposed life I have. I want to be renewed, please just let me be me, to be who I want to be, to do what I want to do. So forgive me if I sometimes cross the line, I'm just trying to find the real me again. In order to get this uncomfortable feeling away, I need to do this...

Feeling Good

"Birds flying high, You know how I feel,
Sun in the sky, You know how I feel,
Reeds driftin' on by, You know how I feel,
It's a new dawn, It's a new day,
It's a new life, For me,
And I'm feeling good..."

Awesomeness doesn't happen naturally, so to say that my life is awesome is probably not right. I'm not kidding when I say that I don't exactly have a good friend character. I'm probably the worse friend you can have. But not necessarily someone you can't hang out with. I know I have the tendency to be controlling and maybe sometime demanding but all these years, somehow when needed, people still stick around me. I try to not give up friendships that have been made over the years, but it's not easy to stay in contact or meet up, given the varied situation everyone is in. Nowadays everyone is so caught up with their own lives and too busy to be able to meet up. I'm not complaining, well, a little, but I guess it's different for me since I am not studying yet. But I am working hard to keep the friendships I have alive.

Every now and then I randomly contact people via facebook mostly, and it's getting pretty awesome to just send messages to some people you haven't seen in months or years. I realize how different some people are now and well, I guess growing up does that to you.

Last night, after work I went out with a couple of friends for a movie. It was I guess fun for me, considering how lifeless I feel now working. Like they say, all work and no play makes one dull. Forgetting everything and unwind... That has got to be the best thing to do...

Stay Alive.

Keep looking :)

Hate (I Really Don't Like You)

"Hate is a strong word, but I really really don't like you..."

Notice how some things just never leaves you alone? How bad memories and experiences just comes back to haunt u? I don't like feeling afraid of the past and I don't like the bittersweet experiences I have had.

Nowadays, I have these flashback memories of the past. And it sucks that what I had back then was so free and fun. I did enjoy my life last year, eventhough I had studies and exams. Now, it seems as though everyone is moving on with their lives and I am just stuck in the middle. I can't seem to get over the fact that I can't exactly have the kind of relationship I had with my friends back in high school, and well, I don't exactly hang out with the people at work. It ain't fair how things like college and work can interfere with bonds and friendship made. But it doesn't have to be that way I guess, I'll need to work harder to reconnect back with the friends I had...

I can't seem to shake the thoughts of self-worthlessness off of me. I keep going back and forth trying to convince myself that alright and that I don't have to conform with the norm. I don't know if what I do most of the time is right or wrong, I keep telling myself that I have to do this or it's just the way it has to be. Decisions are often hard but their harder when you have no foundation or facts on the positve results. Life ain't easy, and we all know that, but it's only when you're faced directly at its challenge that you see the real difficulty... !!! I need help to move on!!

Work has recently gotten really boring and busy. I don't like the office hours at all, screw getting used to it. Honestly, I find deskjobs the worst. I know I shouldn't complain or can't but it's just so frustrating to just work. That's why I'm feeling the weekday blues very often... I guess I'll just have to suck it up and stop whining...

Keep looking :)

So Yesterday

"Laugh it off let it go and,

When you wake up it will seem,

So yesterday, so yesterday...

Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay"

I guess ones life can never be perfect and I've come to realize that mine is so far from that. I know now that expectations are always there, I mean everyone expects something, whether directly or indirectly. I don't know how to handle stress the right way and maybe there isn't one, but knowing that I don't have to worry about being Mr. Perfect is the best relief I have.

The other day I was frustrated with my life and who I was being lost into. I find myself really uncomfortable being surrounded I guess by people that just seem perfect and flawless, worry free and happy. I don't know what it is, but church has taken its toll on me. I don't find the joy in serving and definitely do not like the "peaceful" environment. I guess it only hit me now that what I've been uncomfortable about, not being care free and relaxed was an expectation that not others put on me, but what I have stressed myself over. No one ever asked for me to be a saint or some disciplined lifeless person, I did that all alone. And looking back, these unnecessary burden that I have put upon myself is just not sensible and for some reason, I have no idea why I did that. I know now that being myself is harmless, for now at least, and that I can be who I want to be and still serve and have fun. I don't how it will work out but it has to.

These couple of days has just been dreadful. I feel tired in the office, restless in bed, grumpy, dizzy, sleepy and just not focused. I don't why but I just have this hate and anger in me. I feel lost often of times and I just can't seem to find comfort. There's just something missing and I'm too tired to find out what it is.

I need some R&R, some adventure, something to get things of my head... I'm having plans to go on a vacation and I know this might be the worse timing, considering the economy stability or lack of and financial deficiency I'm facing but I think that it's going to be awesome for me to just jet off to see places and enjoy a little hassle of travelling. So first up for me will be an all expenses paid trip end of June or early July, by my aunt, to Japan! It will be some tour thing, but who's complaining... Next up, Mission trip to Cambodia early August, organized by the church and my youth. And lastly and hopefully, a relaxing trip of fun, food and sea and mountains to Sabah end of August. Ok so they are merely plans for now, nothing that is definite, except Cambodia. And who knows, more to come? If all things work, this will be one hell of a year for me...

Peace out,

Keep looking :)

Dead and Gone

"I've been travelling on this road too long,
just trying to find my way back home,
the old me is dead and gone..."

How long more do I have to take this kind of unnecessary stupidity and stress. Am I to be labelled as a nice guy who everyone things is just happy all the time? Hello! Reality check... No one is that nice. No matter how I come off, no one things I have feelings. God, why is it that people just can't take me seriously? Do you think I don't give a damn about what people say or make me do? Honestly, I do, I just shut them out, and that's the thing, I feel like I am unable to express anger and frustration. And that is a very big problem I face. I just can't bottle up this pissing off of people in me anymore. I'm like a ticking active time bomb, that I feel can just explode in me anytime. So next time you think it's ok to just ignore peoples feelings, DON'T! You might just erupt whatever emotions that has been in them for years.

I can't stand Saturday's... But I guess I've mentioned it many times already. It's crazy how I am still letting myself be so naif to just think that things are just going to be alright. Cause I really HATE that I have to fake it to make it through my day. I can honestly tell you that I don't give a damn about church or my life in church or anything for that matter. Am I suppose to stand for this kind of crap that's being thrown at me? Sure I enjoy the people and the company I get, but I am just not cut out for this kind of shit. It's just not in me anymore to just pretend to be someone I'm not, to be something I look back to and not being able to recognize myself or entering into this lies so deep in that I can't remember who I am. I have to stand up for myself and hopefully can renew and find back my true identity.


Keep looking :)

My Life Would Suck Without You

"Either way I found out, I'm nothing without you."

Having people around you is always good. I never really had the balance of me-time and time spent with friends. Either I am spending too much time out there or at home by myself. I guess I do keep to myself more often than necessary, it's not that it's wrong or bad, but I think it caused me to be a little social-deficient. I do have friends but somehow we just drift apart and for some reason lose that close friendship. I hate that there isn't anyone that I know for like 10 or more years, not a lot at least, and honestly there is no one that is close to me enough to just really talk without my walls up. I do have good friends and am thankful for their company, but is that enough? Why do I shove people away?

I have been hanging out with a few good friends and have been reconnecting with old ones. Even though it's hard, with their studies and all, but it's all worth the time. I know that I kinda hate their college life and my work hours, but some sacrifices are worth it.

This week, for me was a little above the average of my everyday life. I took leave on Wednesday to have a CG outing with my members, ok so I wasn't thrilled either, but it was something that needed to be done and truth be told, they did behave themselves. I don't know why or what changed, maybe it was the talk with my zone leader but it did make things a little better. Well, kids will always be kids. Hopefully this continues, otherwise, who knows how long more I can take staying with the CG.

To a clearer future and better friendship, do not miss any opportunity you have.


Keep looking :)

Wake Me Up From Misery.

Someone just smack me in the head and wake me up from this nightmare I'm in. I just can't find a reason to continue on with my life where everything is either right or wrong. Choices, I feel as if I have lost all freedom to choose. Everything is either the right thing to do, or it's wrong and therefore I can't do it... What ever happen to options, why must things be so black and white, so two dimensional. I need to get away from my life, how and when is the only questions that remain. Am I being selfish? I just can't stand doing something I don't enjoy, and handling CG is just that, dreading to be in church each Saturday is rather a burden for me, and my attitude towards this is not something I like. I hate being put into this position. One way or another I am stuck in this for a long time... Save Our Souls, SOS. I need a break, to chill and relax, to think things through. Is it too much to ask for?!!

Weekends were as usual, the same kill-me-now thoughts in my head. On Saturday, I got up and well, was not exactly in the mood for anything, let alone church. I was suppose to meet my CG at 3pm. And believe me when I say, it was hell! I went through the decision to just stay home and not go over a million times. Finally, I made up my mind to give my members another chance. After being lectured, I guess, they had some improvements, they were not as notorious and did rather well, in the listening and participating part. This sometimes boggles my mind, why cant they be consistent. Every time I try to rage out or get a reason from them to quit, they give me a reason not to. I am utterly confused most of the time. I got home after youth though, not staying for celebration was my wise decision. I just didn't want to be around people, and well, I started getting a headache. I got home, watched TV and slept. At night, I got myself up and well, was kinda in the mood to go out. Went to Mcd's with some friends and just had some fun...

I love Sundays. It's my ultimate time of doing nothing. just me and myself. I spent the one yesterday watching DVD's. Back-to-back of Brothers and Sisters. Relaxing was what I wanted and I think I did feel relaxed the whole day.

Now here I am, back to reality, the nightmare that's happening in my life, working hours that I can't seem to get used to and a horrible case of negativity.

Keep looking :)