No, I'm Not Dead,... Yet.

What in the world? Honestly how can someone be so insensitive as to just do something with such a cold manner, without even being a bit apologetic or sympathetic. I mean, there's always another way to tell me something.

Okay, what the heck is this guy ranting about? This was what happened...

I've been feeling like shit the whole week at work, at home, in my thoughts... It's just not a good week. It's nothing huge or anything, it's just that things aren't just going easy. Work has been bothering me mostly. I've gotten less shift hours than when I first started working and it's really a bummer when you actually want to work but don't get the opportunity and the shifts, what's worse is that I could really use the money. So it's all good when I found out that I'll be working only for 25 hours for the week, I thought it a good thing cause the shifts were all middle shifts and at a really perfect timing. But work hasn't been as fun or exciting, instead I feel like I have just been the target of everyone working there to be isolated by. I feel distant towards my colleagues and feel as though as I have just killed someone and they are criticising me in their thoughts. i know that's not the case but I just don't feel included in their conversations and it's as if I were in a different dimension as them. So, to add to the misery and negative thoughts I have, my supervisor text me on Thursday morning, just a couple of hours before my shift was to start, informing me that I don't have to work on that day and the next. I was stunned for a second, going through my head was, "Can they do that?". Maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself, but I don't like the way they inform things. I bet they don't do this to the other older partners. so is it just the fact that I'm new? Or that they really don't give a rats ass about me? Shit, so I'm a failure? I don't thing I've done anything wrong to receive this kind of civility. I just pray and hope for things to get better, I don't know how long I can last being caught in the middle of unfair bias-ness.

Tired...

I'm getting real lazy these days. I don't if it's the weather or that I'm not sleeping well. But either way, I get up feeling sleepy and the whole day I'll naturally be zoning out. It could be the night shifts at work, who knows. I guess my sleeping time and habit has been altered.

Last night at work, I was literally shaking. My hands couldn't stay still and I feel not there mentally. It's as if I can't focus, everything was done automatically and I had to force myself to snap out of it. Shot down a double tall toffee nut latte and prayed for the better. What better cure than a dose of coffee and sugar to get you pumped, eh?

I'm still exhausted from last nights shift. I'm still new with the cleaning tasks for the closing shift at work. I can't seem to get things done quickly. To add to my slowness, I was working with another new partner, she came in after I did, so I guess I should know more stuff compared to her. Working the closing shift with two new partners, my manager must have stressed a little, thankfully all went well, I hope, and we managed to finish our duties not too late, but I had to help her out a lot. As if I don't have enough on my plate already, I literally was doing two tasks at a time. Hectic, but that's the job for the closing shift. Learning to multitask is always a challenge, but it is a challenge I must face and overcome. I feel suffocated sometimes, I can't seem to find myself at peace, whether at work, at home or even when with my friends. I'm still protective over myself...



Keep looking :)

Equations Of Life

How does one and one become two? If only all things were so simple as to just being the way it is. Complications arise out of actions that people make and sometimes I feel caught in the lies of my own thoughts. If only life were more obvious and less twisted.

I keep thinking about my life more often nowadays, and reminiscing the past. Nah, I'm not being nostalgic or any sort. Just more of assessing my time spent over the past 10 months. I can't seem to find a sense of real happiness or satisfaction in my life over the past year. I know that I have gained a lot of knowledge and abilities, and I have definitely known myself a whole lot better. But thinking through, is it enough? I don't want to keep feeling like there's this 'thing' in me that is trapped. I don't want to keep hiding, but fear is conquering me. I'm really beyond stressing myself with my 'deep' thoughts sometimes.

And not that it's related but work has been getting on my nerves sometimes. It's tough to hold a job, no matter how 'fun' and 'easy' it is. It sucks when you have to do routine stuff and feel bored to death in the store. I ain't complaining but it's just not as easy as it seems. I try my best to do well, I really do, but it's sometimes not enough. I find it hard sometimes to get use to things and fitting in to the environment isn't a breeze. I'm still learning, and have a long way more to go to becoming a good barista. :)

Smile more, and stay happy... Those are my encouragements to myself. Doesn't hurt to be praised every now and then. The feeling of appreciation goes a long way, doesn't make you feel used. I thank God that on Tuesday, during the launch of the Christmas promo in Starbucks, all went well. I did my manager proud by being knowledgeable to the products in front of the district manager :) You know the feeling when you are able to make someone happy and proud. I love that feeling, it's as if "Finally I did something! Something right..." it's just an awesome moment for me, and I'm proud of myself... I wanna be that guy that people see and know that he can do great things, that can be counted on and is useful, I want to be appreciated for the things I've done or for the effort I've put in to something :) What am I saying, I'm sure that's what everyone hopes to achieve... Right?

Keep looking :)